Oh my goodness.

I feel HORRIBLE. TERRIBLE. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. Literally.

Okay where do I start.
I don't know.

All I know is that I'm really messed up.

I'm mad, angry. At myself.

It's freaking going to be like 2 damn years. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAVE A PERFECT LIFE. Damn it. Okay, maybe perfect life doesn't exist.

I am feeling so mean. I'm probably the meanest person I've ever met. Irony isn't it. Hais.

I'm just feeling so lonely. I am not saying lonely as in 'forever alone' with no friends. Well, I have my family, friends and my bestfriends. But why why why WHY DO I FREAKING FEEL LIKE A LOSER EVERYTIME. WHY DO I STILL FEEL LONELY WHEN I HAVE MY LOVED ONES. Why do I freaking have to cry everytime I think about my sad pathetic past. WHY. WHY DOES ALL THIS SHIT HAPPENS TO ME. My Goodness.

Everytime when I feel like i'm in love. I would tend to give up halfway. WHY. Why am I so damn afraid. Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was a fling. WHY IS EVERYONE NOT LIKE YOU. WHY CAN'T I LAUGH WITHOUT FAKING IT. WHY CAN'T I SMILE AND LAUGH AND SHOW THAT I'M REALLY REALLY DAMN HAPPY.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY MY DAMN HAPPINESS AWAY FROM ME. Why.

I AM SO MESSED UP, I SWEAR.

I'm really mean. I should've just....take it slow. And BREATHE more(I suppose). A couple of months back. I was like 'dating' ( I don't think it was dating. But some sort like that lah) someone. BUT I turned him down(after we started to get close). I broke his heart, really bad. Damn. I feel damn bad. But. I can't go on. I don't know why. I just don't feel the connection. The static electric feel. I just don't feel it. I DON'T KNOW WHY. But I can't lie to him telling him that I love him. Damn. To make him leave me, I did all sort of things. I made him hate me by being mean, doing things like he didn't like(vulgarities and all). I wanted him to hate me so bad, so he could forget me and leave me. Of course I feel bad. I feel like a loser, a jerk.

But now he's in save hands. He's in love with a new girl. Boy, I can't explain how happy I am to hear that. It's great to hear that someone is taking over my place and making him happy and showing him the right path. Ex-date, I am really happy for you. You've got my prayers for you! Hees.

And now. BACK TO THE TOPIC. I am really mad at myself because I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE 'his' VALUES IN SOME OTHER GUYS(when I clearly know that all guys are not the same). BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. I'm sorry.

Maybe that's the reason why I never fall in love.

Maybe it's just me.

I'm just not good enough for anyonex

I'm just......not strong enough to step out of my zone and be happy without feeling sad and worrying about nuts anymore.

I just need to get myself together. In one piece(which I thought I've done).

Gosh, and i've been constantly rejecting meetups. Why? I'm scared. I don't want to lose anymore people in my life. I am afraid too. Of all the criticisms and all. Plus, I'm scared scared(it's scared scared because i already used the word 'scared').

I have a bad experience of meeting people. Like you know. Sometimes I get too hyped up and, some people may not like it(they'll find it annoying). And most of the time, after meetups...PEOPLE WOULD TEND TO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE. So that's why. Byebye meetups. I love all my friends. So I rather remain friends in the cyberworld rather than cut ties with them:(.

So I'm heading to bed. Lotsa luv.

With love&a v messed up mind,
NADIAH😭😭.

Labels: WHY MUST ALL THIS HAPPEN TO ME.